How is the beer-wine-vodka tasting? Humorous reportage

How is the beer-wine-vodka tasting? Humorous reportage

Hello! I’m glad that on this beautiful morning you decided to visit this hypersupermarket, and I want to offer you a tasting of drinks that are on sale in the department of wine and vodka drinks, products, funds, potions and, what’s there to say, potions, potions. So, let’s begin by praying.

Judging by your faces, yesterday evening you did not go to the Bolshoi Theater, not to the Tretyakov Gallery, or even to the Darwin Museum, so first I advise you to taste the beer “Hunting strong”. Beer “Hunting strong” is not exactly beer. To be honest, it’s not beer at all. This is a unique lifestyle, a very special way of thinking, in a word, an elite private club that you can get into only on the recommendation of its members, which are getting smaller every day …

Take a sip, but do not swallow … Rinse your mouth, beer is determined at the root of the tongue, the back of the mouth … Feel? Elegant taste, elastic structure, pleasant yeast aroma of a long-sour drink, many outsiders, you can even say – otherworldly tones … Now swallow this drink … Oh, I see that your eyes immediately filled with meaning, the skin on faces was smoothed, the movements of the hands became more meaningful , and the taste buds probably woke up in horror, so we boldly go on to the next beer drink and it will be …

It will be Zhigulevskoe beer in a plastic bottle! About beer “Zhigulevskoe” in a plastic bottle you can talk for hours and operate only in such categories as “beautiful”, “magnificent”, “unique” and “perfect”. It perfectly quenches thirst, helps to relax among city bustle, exerts a tonic effect on the weakened organism and allows you to have fun with friends and family …

Try it! Feel? It is dominated by the smells of autumn wood and rancid butter, foul chebureks and any Russian bus station. Beer “Zhigulevskoe”, incidentally, differs from others in that it is impossible to guess which smells will dominate the next bottle. It can be a warm floral note, and cold citrus, and the smell of a suburban Lipetsk train, and a light aroma of rags drowned in a beer tank … “The exclusive approach to each bottle” is the slogan of Zhiguli brewers.

By the way, pay attention to the color of the sediment, in our case, purple-violet. It embodies the vital energy, joy and light, and the combination of gentle pastel and cheerful, cheerful colors on the label carries a hint of frivolous nature, that is, the beer “Zhigulevskoe” in a plastic bottle is most appropriate for a small banquet for two for garages or a playground . I see that you fully enjoy this Mozart brewing, but do not forget that the beer “Zhigulevskoe” in a plastic bottle symbolizes passion, strong emotions and even sexual desire, and we are in a hyper supermarket where there are no places for seclusion and the continuation of romantic relationships … And I notice in your eyes not only the meaning, but also some inner glow, which means that we are ready to move to more serious drinks, to, so to say, nectar for adults.

So, before you emperors of the wine world – port. Spray a little magic of rich ruby ​​color into your glass! Now, sip, release this angel to freedom! Do you already hear the wind howling in the mountain gorges? How do women who cut grape brushes sing? Yes, it’s port “Coastal”, it’s the taste of Ossetia in every drink, it’s stunning in its sophistication falsification of grape scraps of all sorts that the producers of this divine drink managed to get. Only today this port came to the store from one of the famous cellars of the city of Lyubertsy, and, despite its appearance and smell, it is in brilliant form, full of elegance and playing of halftones. Of course, it should be submitted to young quail, so later, before going out, you can buy chupa-chups with the taste of chicken.

Do not rush, do not rush to drink port with a volley! It should not be drunk, but savored, savored as a part of the atmosphere, as something very refined, because the whole multi-day history of Lyuberetsk wine making obliges us to this … By the way, the port “Coastal” perfectly expands the vessels and circle of friends, while narrowing the boundaries of consciousness and space to the size of your plastic cup. Do you feel what a virtuosic balance of tenderness and light charm, what harmony of milky shades with the smell of long-not-washed linen and the light chord of a recently deceased mouse? No, the toilet room is not here, but you can use the underground passage located to the right of the entrance to the hypersupermarket. There you can easily find the places you need with the help of your sense of smell, while we are moving on to vermouths from the middle price segment.

There are bottles with a romantic, tart, firmly knocked down and at the same time balanced vermouth “Primorsky”, popularly referred to as “the death of a peasant”. Vermouth in the language of alcohol means sensitivity and timidity, so please enjoy the taste bumps of the tongue with this velvety and rounded Shakespeare winemaking. Yes, the label is slightly fuzzy and blurry, yes, the excise stamp with obvious signs of forgery, and the aroma of the drink is lost after transportation from Mytishchi, but what is the palette and the depth of flavors! What a harmonious and delicate taste with piquant bitterness! It is not for nothing that the Mytishchi variations on the topic of vermouth have long been recognized throughout the world, and it is unfortunate that the world does not know about this. But there are not so many places on our planet that are so suitable for vineyards, as the gloomy but sunny outskirts of Mytishchi!

But we will not be distracted. Vermouth, which we taste, I recall, is called “The Death of a Peasant”, but it is ideal for use by a young peasant woman, because it embodies chastity, innocence and its rapid deprivation. And the representatives of the vermutolubic community, of whom we know a lot, know that after two or three sips of this aperitif with an impenetrable blue, almost black color, you can lose not only innocence, but also vision, hearing, voice and ability to procreate. Can you smell clover and mold? The smell of clover symbolizes here youth and romanticism, mold also hints at a certain incipient incomprehensible feeling …

It is customary to feed the meat of a young roe to this vermouth, so later, before going out, you will be able to buy chupa-chups with chicken taste, and we proceed cautiously to queen of the alcoholic hyper supermarket line, to … No, no one should be dragged by force, let vermutolubs sit or even lie down at the shelves with their favorite drink … Maybe this unique cocktail of grace and youthful fervor plunged them into dreams of a beautiful ete, of peaches and apricots, a cherry orchards on the island of Sicily. Although, most likely, they are dreaming now of an underground passage located, I recall, to the right of the entrance to the hypersupermarket …

So, here it is – vodka! The peak of alcoholic thought, the Everest of the traditions of feast and marriage, after all it is only the sky and the pharmacy “Tincture of Hawthorn”, which has long since disappeared from the shelves. Let’s taste this vodka, made, according to the custom of Russian distillation, in Kabardino-Balkaria. Take a small sip of this positive and invigorating living water, wash it with the entire mouth cavity … Now swallow … Yes, yes, you are right, we feel a completely unusual aftertaste, slightly flavored with the smell of crozza and shoe polish … Now you understand why vodka is not meant for rough intoxication , but only to give a culinary and accompanying accent to the dishes of Russian cuisine? For example, she drinks superbly under the languid calves of the calf, so later, before going out, you can somewhere to buy something with the taste of something …

This vodka is also distinguished by an exquisite combination of tap water and technical alcohol, and a pronounced aroma with tones acetone and mineral fertilizers makes it powerful and seductive.Remember that the choice of vodka is no less important than the choice of drinking companions, that vodka is often both noble and insidious, that it is created for joy and for awakening sweet emotions … By the way, after using this particular vodka you will not only have an unusual aftertaste, but also a fabulous three-day hangover full of amazing dreams and depressing thoughts.

And know that there is no present more elegant and, at the same time, more dangerous than vodka. Catch with the present – the gifted will be infinitely grateful to you, do not please – you will be infinitely grateful to the widow of the gifted … And, of course, vodka is not intended for young girls, it is a drink of mature men and experienced, all seen and long-divorced women … The main thing – leaves indifferent, because someone it evokes indescribable ecstasy, even euphoria with the obligatory performance of folk songs, and someone has disgust until the vomiting with a brief disconnect of consciousness. And now let’s take this vodka with a capacious name …

Gentlemen, I have to apologize and urgently curtail our tasting, because the protection of the hypersupermarket is approaching us and, judging by the gait, the intentions of this guard are the most serious. I suggest that those of you who can still move independently, merge with a crowd of buyers, which are especially many in the sausage, dairy and fish departments of the store. Do not forget at the outlet, at the checkout, to evade all suspicions of participating in our tasting, to buy and immediately eat a chupa-chups with a martini flavor that will justify your saturated fumes and give you an innocent charm of youth. Bottles, even spicy, take with you is not recommended for the sake of your own safety, as well as comrades who died in the process.

We express our gratitude to the American Clarence Saunders, who invented self-service stores, and meet at our next tasting, which will be held tomorrow at ten o’clock in the morning, in a hotbed of wine culture called Auchan. The theme of tasting is a new line of counterfeit Georgian fortified wines of low price segment. Come, come, creep in, and we, if you can, intelligently, if it succeeds, then God will give you a good time – let’s hang out, and now we run away!

With you was and drank taster in the third generation Paul from Izmailovo! Who will survive until tomorrow, gentlemen! Who unexpectedly overtakes the karatchun – we will remember, in spite of the weakening memory and trembling of hands, although what does the hands have to do with it … The tasting has ended, but life, as they say, is almost normal! Is it not so, gentlemen? Good luck on the way out!

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